Filed under: senti-sentihan
Dear Diary,
NOON….hindi ako naniniwala sa’yo. Ang sabi ko kalokohan ka lang. Marami kasi akong kaibigan na nahihingahan ko ng sama ng loob. HINDI KITA KAILANGAN!!! Pero ngayon, napagtanto kong wala ng nagmamahal sa akin. Wala na dahil tuyot na ang dati kong makinis na balat, maitim na ang dati kong mapupulang labi, humpak na ang mukha kong minsa’y kinabaliwan ng maraming mga ADAN. Ang aking nagkikislapang kwintas ay napalitan na rin ng nanlilimahid na banil na di ko na magawang linisin bunga ng aking katandaan. Ang dati kong matitibay na ngipin na parang estrelya sa kaputian ay nanilaw nang tulad ng mga dahong unti-unting nabubulok. Ang aking mga matang dati ay nakangiti, ngayon ay malamlam at nanlalabo bunga marahil ng pitumput-walong taong batbat ng pagsubok sa buhay. Maputi na rin ang aking buhok na tanda ng di-mabilang na kabiguang sa akin at dumating.
Tandang-tanda ko pa noon dear diary, masaya kaming mag-anak na namumuhay. Walang problema. Dalawa lang kaming magkapatid pero may asawa na si kuya. Ako, nasa second year high-school noon. Isang matinding dagok ang dumating sa amin. Inatake sa puso si ama nang magkatanggalan ng trabahador sa pabrika nila. Lubhang dinamdam ni ina ang nangyari kay ama. OO, pinilit niya akong tinaguyod pero hindi niya kinaya eh. Dito ko naranasan ang matinding hirap. Ang sabi ko, kaya ko ang lahat ng ito! Pinilit ko pa ring mag-aral kahit na lakarin ko papuntang eskwela. Ang almusal ko noon “kanin na siabawan ng kape”, champorado na sa akin ‘yon. Minsan pumapasok akong walang laman ang sikmura kundi hamog ngunit ang dibdib ko’y tila maeempatso na sa kabusugan ng sama ng loob. Pag tanghalian, nagpupunta nalang ako sa ilalim ng puno ng mangga at nagbabasa ng aklat para hindi ko maramdaman ang gutom. Minsan pumapasok akong gusot ang uniporme. Biniro nga ako ng isa kong kaklase, “EM, (siyempre initial lang) ang alam ko puti ang uniporme natin eh bakit ikaw “dilaw” ang sa’yo?” sabay tawa ng nakakaloko. Awang-awa ako sa sarili ko noon pero ng tingnan ko ang sarili ko lalo akong nanlummo dahil bukod sa naninilaw na ang uniporme ko, kulang-kulang pa ang butones. Umuwi akong nahihilam ang mga mata sa luha. Pero ang lalong masakit, pag-uwi ko sa bahay, punong-puno ng “liwanag” ang buong kabahayan, punong-puno rin ng tao! WALA NA SI INA! Naging mahina siya, hindi niya kinaya ang pagkawala ni ama. Gusto kong magwala pero hindi ko magawa. Ang katawan ko’y mistulang lantang gulay…pagod na pagod. Matapos ang libing, umalis na ako sa inuupahan naming bahay at nagpasyang puntahan si kuya sa Maynila upang doon makitira. Subalit nabigo ako, nalaman kong nakatira pala sila sa mga magulang ng asawa ni kuya kaya walang nagawa ang kapatid ko upang kupkupin ako. Ang sabi ko, “Ang sakit naman, pati kapatid ko tinatanggihan ako”.
Hanggang sa mapadpad ako sa isang lugar na hindi ko alam, ang natatandaan ko, may rebulto si Jose Rizal. Gutom na gutom na ko at naninikip na ang aking kalamnan. Buti nalang at may natira pa akong barya sa bulsa. Nakakita ako ng isang tindahan. Gusto ko sanang bumili ng sopdrink at tinapay pero hindi pala kasya. Ang sabi ko sa tindera, “Sige poi sang hopia nalang.” Hanggang sa makilala ko si Delia habang ako’y nakaupo sa isang upuang bato. Ang ganda-ganda niya sa suot niyang kulay pulang damit na tinernohan ng nagkikintaban niyang alahas. Ikinuwento ko ang lahat sa kanya. Dahil dito’y inalok niya ako ng “trabaho”. Natuwa ako noong una, ang sabi ko sa wakas may dumating na anghel sa buhay kO! Dinala niya ako sa isang lugar, ang sabi niya “MABINI” raw yon. Binihisan niya ako, inayusan, pinaliguan at binigyan ng pabango. Ang sabi ko, ang swerte-swerte ko naman dahil may nag-aalaga sa akin. Hanggang sa ipasok niya ako sa isang madilim na lugar. Maraming tao, iba-iba. Nakakahilo ang usok at halos lahat sila’y amoy alak. Dito ko nalaman kung anong uri ng trabaho mayroon si Delia.
Dear diary, KAPIT AKO SA PATALIM, napilitan akong sumama sa isang lalaki noon ko lang nakita. Ang sabi niya bibigyan daw niya ako ng pera. Masaki tang nangyaro sa akin ng gabing iyon. Iyak ako ng iyak habang ang dugo’y patuloy na tumatagas sa aking mga hita. Mahapdi…hindi ako makakilos. Pagkatapos noon, ang lalaki’y dumukot ng salapi sa kanyang pitaka. LIMANG LIBONG PISO. Naluha ako. Ito ba ang halaga ng aking dangal? Napakamura naman. Nag-isip ako, ang sabi ko “PUTANG-INA!” hindi ko ginustong maging puta pero kailangan kong mabuhay, kailangan kong gamitin ang utak ko!
Magmula noon hindi ko na mabilang ang dami ng lalaking nagpasasa sa kandungan ko. Ang dami ng lalaking pinaikot ko sa aking palad. Lintek! Ginagamit nila ako, gagamitin ko din sila. Iba-iba sila, may mayor, gobernador, at senador. Ha! Kailangan kong pag-igihan, kailangan lasingin ko sila sa bango ko, aliwin sa indayog ng aking beywang sa entablado upang kahit papaano’y may mamantikaan ang aking mga labi ng mga yamang kanilang tinatamasa.
Pero ang lahat pala ay may katapusan. Kasabay na inagos ng panahon ang aking kabataan. Ang mga kuko kong dati’y kulay pula ngayo’y naninilaw na at walang buhay. Hindi na ako makasayaw dahil sa rupok ng aking mga buto sa balakang. Ang aking matamis na laway ay napalitan na ng namumuong mga “plema”. Hindi na mabakas sa aking kasikatan noon sa Club. Mabigat na ang talukap ng aking mga mata. Barado na ang aking mga tenga na marinig pa ang daloy ng mga sasakyan.
Wala ng tumatanggap sa akin, LAOS na raw ako! Sayang, hindi rin kasi ako nakakita ng lalaking ibabahay ako’t iibigin ng tapat.
Ngayon Dear diary, nandito ako sa lugar kung saan ako unang napadpad. Ang lugar kung nasaan ang rebulto ni Jose Rizal. Hukluban na ako, namumutla, nanlulupaypay. Ngayon nanlilimos nalang ako, limos na pinambibili ko ng sopdrink at hopya na hindi ko nabili noon. Ang sakit dahil nabubuhay na lamang ako sa panghihingi sa mga tao. Burado na ako sa kasaysayan ng mga normal na nilalang. Ang DIYOS? KILALA BA AKO NG DIYOS DEAR DIARY?
Filed under: senti-sentihan
Sasamahan mo ba ako anak? Gusto kong ikaw ang pumili ng damit ko para sa graduation mo,” sabi sa akin ni ina isang lingo bago ang araw ng aking pagtatapos.
Marami pa po akong aasikasuhin,” maikli kong sagot.
Nitong mga nakaraang araw, napapansin kong kinukukha ni ina ang aking atensyon. Mas ramdam niya ang tuwa at excitement sa aking nalalapit na pagtatapos, at ngayon nga ay nag-iisip na siya ng kanyang susuotin, Samantalang ako ay abala pa rin sa pagpapapirma ng clearance at ilan pang mga papeles kung kaya’t ang samahan pa siya sa pamimili ay wala sa aking isip.
Sa wakas! Masusuklian ko na rin ang mga paghihirap, sipag at tiyaga ko. Mula ng iwan kami ni ama sampung taon na ang nakakaraan.
Dati madalas akong maging tampulan ng tukso dahil bukod sa manilaw-nilaw na ang blusang buot ko ay tagpi-tagpi pa. Ni hindi ko rin naranasan ang umattend ng JS Prom kasi wala akong damit na maisusuot. Kaya naman ipinangako ko sa aking sarili na darating ang panahon na pagsisisihan ni Ama ang ginawa niya sa amin. Ito na marahil ang naging dahilan upang isubsob ko ang aking sarili sa aking pag-aaral.
Pagsapit ng lingo, hindi ko alam kung bakit ko nasabi kay ina na sasamahan ko nalang siya bumili ng damit. Sa aming pamimili, nalaman ko na sa dalawampung taon pala naming pagsasama ay marami pala akong hindi alam tungkol kay ina. Mas nais ko kasing mag-aral kung nasa bahay ako kung kaya’t wala kaming pagkakataon ni ina na makapag-usap. Paa kasi sa akin ang matataas na marka ay simbulo ng isang MABUTING anak.
Maghapon kaming naglibot sa mall pero wala pa ring mapili si ina. Ngunit ng kalaunan, nakapili din siya ng isa. Sa kanyang pagsusukat, napansin kong hirap na hirap siyang pagbuhulin ang laso sa likuran dahil sa panginginig ng kanyang kamay sanhi ng rayuma. At naalala ko nung paanong ang mga kamay na iyon ang nag-aruga, nagbihis, umalalay at nagmahal sa akin.
Sa matinding emosyon ko, napayakap ako kay ina, hinawakan ang kanyang mga kamay, hinalikan at sinabi na iyon ang pinakamagandang kamay sa buong mundo.
Sa araw ng aking pagtatapos, kakaibang kasiyahan ang aking nadama. Maaring pagtatapos na ito’y simula lamang ng mas marami pang paghihirap at pagsubok sa paglabas ko sa pamantasan. Pero alam ko’ng naroroon si ina para sa akin. At para sa amin, ang aking pagtatapos at simula lamang ng mas magandang pagsasama namin.
Ano nga ba ang kabukuhan ng aking pagsisikap kung puno ang aking puso ng galit at paghihiganti? Kung tanging sarili ko lamang ang aking iniisip.
Nandiyan naman si ina.
Handog ko sa kanya ang aking pagtatapos at bigay naman sa akin ng Panginoon ang paalalang ang pagmamahal ng aking ina ang pinakadakila kong tagumpay.
Filed under: senti-sentihan
Hindi ka man magsalita, hindi mo man sabihin dahilan sa kawalan ng pagkakataon, alam kong nagagalak ka rin sa anumang narating ko. Ito ay dahilan sa alam kong kasama rin kitang nangarap, nagmithi, at nag-asam.
Sa iyong piping pagngiti at bahagyang pagtapik sa aking mga balikat noong huli tayong nagkita, naramdaman ko ang iyong pagmamalaki, ang iyong kasiyahan.
Likas kang walang imik. Kaya nga ba’t bawat pagkurap ng mata mo. Pagkibot ng labi at pagkunot ng noo mo’y hindi ko pinaliligtas. Alam ko kasing sa mga ito’y nakakubli ang sangmilyu’t isang kahulugan, ang iyong malalim na personalidad.
Pero bakit nga ba kung kailan lubos ang pagnanais kong malaman kung ano ang nasasaloob mo, para bang ang gaan-gaan naman ng buhay sa’yo. Parang wala kang problema. Sabi nga sa isang kanta…..”YOU’RE A GREAT PRETENDER!”
Nanghihinayang ako sa mga panahong kung hindi man naging mailap ay hindi naman nakalaan para sa atin. Sa mga pagkakataong nariyan ka at abot-kamay subalit hindi kita pinag-ukulan ng atensyon at pagmamahal. Sa mga sandaling kinailangan mo ng isang kaibigang aalalay, makikinig at magpapayo at ako’y malayo sa iyo.
Naiinis ako sa sarili ko. Wala kasi akong magawa para mapagaan ang bigat ng problemang sinusuong mo, para maiahon ka sa kabiguang kinasasadlakan mo. Hindi ko man lang masabing: “Don’t worry, everything will be alright.”
Sorry wala akong assurance na naibigay sa iyo. Sorry dahil palagi akong wala sa tabi mo.
Sa ngayon habang naghahanda ka sa panibagong buhay na lalakaran mo, nandito lang rin ako…palihim na naghahanda, umaasang matutulungan kita, ‘pag kaya ko na. Pagdating ng tamang panahon.
Alam ko malapit na yon…..ilang araw na lang, ilang buwan, ilang taon..tsk..tsk..matagal pa din pala..Pero siyempre, masayang-masaya ako dahil sa wakas, nagsisimula na rin akong abutin ang mga pangarap ko sa buhay. Kabilang na ang makapiling ka naming muli…
Sana wag kang maiinip…Alam ko may pangarap ka rin tulad ko. Pero don’t worry, everything will be alright… Pagbalik mo, sabay tayong mangangarap…at aabutin ang mga ito….
Filed under: ambisosya
okay. this is how bored i am. as i was daydreaming about my future, i listed down 50 things that i badly want to do/achieve/get before i even stop menstruating (note: random lang ‘to, not necessarily in the order of importance…):
- travel into different countries in three consecutive months (sarap talaga mangarap….lalo na paggising)
- get a tattoo (pero pinag-iisipan ko pa ulit…mukhang masakit kasi eh…)
- makapaglakad sa underpass along quezon ave. (right, matagal ko nang pngarap mglakad s daanan ng sasakyang ito)
- bake a cake (yung tipong 1 milyon people ang makakakain)
- establish my own business (ciempre hindi monkey business)
- produce a critically acclaimed documentary (ung makakakuha ng maraming awards)
- own a shelter for abandoned dogs o di kaya abandoned people…
- work abroad (but not for good)
- marry the person i love (sana meron nito…mukhang impossible)
- get a navel piercing (hmmmm….i think about it again…)
- build my dream house at gusto ko ako ang nagdesign…
- a week in boracay with all my family and friends…
- scuba diving
- ice skating sa mt. everest
- sing in a comedy bar (parang di ko yata kaya ang isang ito…)
- dance again kahit parehong kaliwa ang paa ko
- master adobe photoshop
- become a photographer
- purchase that afghan girl special issue of national geographic mag
- become so drunk that i can’t stand anymore yung tipong gumagapang talaga…
- spend a night alone in a hotel
- own my dream car
- horse back riding
- sleep in a tent on top of a mountain
- climb mt. apo
- sleep in straight 24 hours (wish ko lang magawa ko)
- build a house through habitat for humanity
- own a condo unit in ayala
- have three smart children pero gusto ko lalaki ang panganay…
- watch “shutter” again without screaming
- watch panic at the disco, fob, mcr, the academy is, green day perform live
- organize a concert for the benefit of stray dogs
- have a complete set of kitchen equipment
- go to cooking school
- last a day without soft drinks
- work for gma news or abs as CEO (hahahaha)
- spend a rainy day without feeling sad (i don’t know why i feel sad when it rains)
- sing with a live band
- bottoms up an entire bottle of mud shake
- have a ref full of ice cream
- meet brad pitt and keanu reeves in person
- spend a day in hollywood
- see the penguins in antartica
- experience body shots (haha)
- spend a night at coyote ugly
- shoplift without being caught
- go to a gym and have yoga and pilates classes
- have a star named after me
- spend a week in baguio with someone i love
- migrate to europ..
…nwei, di ko naman sinasabing gusto kong mangyari lahat ng yan..alam ko naman na impossibleng mangyari yun…simpleng tao lng po ako…haysz..pero sana,..hahahaha…till next post..
Filed under: senti-sentihan
Akala ng mga tao na nasa Pilipinas kapag nasa America Ka…
Akala nila madami ka ng pera. Ang totoo, madami kang utang, dahil
credit card lahat ang gamit mo sa pagbili mo ng mga gamit mo. Kailangan mo gumamitng credit card para magka-credit history ka, kase pag hindi ka umutang o wala kang utang, hindi ka pagkakatiwalaan ng mga kano. Pag wala kang credit card, ibig sabihin wala kang kapasidad magbayad.
Akala nila mayaman ka na kase may kotse ka na. Ang totoo, kapag hindi ka bumili ng kotse sa America maglalaka d ka ng milya-milya sa ilalim ng init ng araw o kaya sa snow. Walang jeepney, tricycle o padyak sa America. (sabi nga nila…”walang ganyan sa states”).
Akala nila masarap ang buhay dito sa America. Ang totoo, puro ka trabaho kase pag di ka nagtrabaho, wala kang pangbayad ng bills mo kotse, credit card, ilaw, tubig, insurance, bahay at iba pa. Hindi ka na pwedeng tumambay sa kapitbahay kase busy din sila maghanap buhay pangbayad ng bills nila.
Akala nila masaya ka kase nagpadala ka ng picture mo sa Disney, Seaworld, Six Flags, Universal Studios at iba pang attractions. Ang totoo, kailangan mo ngumiti kase nagbayad ka ng $70+ para makarating ka dun, kailangan mo namnamin ang
10 hours na sweldo mong pinangbayad sa tiket.
Akala nila malaki na ang kinikita mo kase dolyar na sweldo mo. Ang totoo, malaki pag pinalit mo ng peso, pero dolyar din ang gastos mo sa America. Ibig sabihin ang dolyar mong kinita sa presyong dolyar mo din gagastusin. Ang P15.00 na sardinas sa Pilipinas $1.00 sa America, ang isang pakete ng sigarilyo sa pilipinas P40.00, sa America $5.00, ang upa mo sa bahay na P10,000 sa pilipinas, sa America $1,000.
Akala nila buhay milyonaryo ka na kase ang ganda ng bahay at kotse mo. Ang totoo milyon ang utang mo. Ang bago mong kotse 5 taon mong huhulugan. Ang bahay 30 taon mong huhulugan. Ibig sabihin, alipin ka ng bahay at kotse mo.
Madaming naghahangad na makarating sa America. Lalo na mga nurses, mahirap maging normal na manggagawa sa Pilipinas. Madalas pagod ka sa trabaho. Pag dating ng sweldo mo, kulang pa sa pagkain mo. Pero ganun din sa ibang bansa katulad ng hindi lang sa America.
Hindi ibig sabihin dolyar na ang sweldo mo, yayaman ka na, kailangan
mo ding magbanat ng buto para magsurvive ka sa ibang bansa. Isang
malaking sakripisyo ang pag alis mo sa bansang pinagsilangan at malungkot iwanan ang mga mahal mo sa buhay. Hindi pinupulot ang pera dito. Hindi ako naninira ng pangarap, gusto ko lang buksan ang bintana ng katotohanan..
Filed under: moments
I was in the middle of my work when my eyes catches something that cause my attention and concentration get lost. Hindi ko alam kung anung reason pero namamalayan ko nalang na I was so engrossed sa binabasa ko na panandaliang nagpatigil ng mundong kinagagalawan ko…-naks!…so here the stories goes…
She is a 24-year old copywriter. He is an architect. They met and became lovers in college. They broke up last year but remained to be “friends.” They send sweet text messages and he calls her often to make sure she’s okay. They still date. They still have sex. They don’t see anyone else. It is obvious that they still love each other but when asked about their situation, she doesn’t know the real score. Even her friends are in the dark. “ PARANG SILA PERO HINDI”
She works in a telecom. He is reviewing for the board. They are inthe same barkada. They talk on the phone till 4 am. He gives her chocolates, flowers and CDs even when there is no occasion. Their friends are suspecting something. Bakit sila nagsosolo kapag may overnight inuman? Why does he hold her close on the dance floor? Bakit sila magkaholding hands lagi? Sila kaya? “He hasn’t admitted anything,” she rants. “But I let him hug and kiss me. Parang kami, pero hindi.”
They work together in an ad agency. After office, they would watch movie, have dinner and stroll at Glorietta. She gave him Harry Potter books for his birthday in exchange for posing as her boyfriend to make an ex jealous. They made out during the company outing in Subic and never talked about it. He said “I love you” once but she wasn’t sure if she heard him correctly because they were both drunk then. But one thing she is sure of is her
feelings for him. She likes him!. And she’s assuming that with what he’s doing to her and with her, he likes her, too. There’s just one hitch: he has a girlfriend!
She is a 28-year-old virgin. He’s a 35-year-old bachelor. Both mountaineers, they became close during their climbs. After a few dates in posh restaurants, he brings her to his condo where they would make out. They have been doing this for months. She wants to believe that “sila na” but then she’s not really sure about it. “We don’t talk about it but it
doesn’t really matter,” she’d tell her friends. “What’s important is I am enjoying
this –whatever it is.”
The “parang kayo, pero hindi” stage. Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers.
Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have
admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the
talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa.
Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.
This kind of “relationship” can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.
It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang.
Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo –usually the guy –may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa),
wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi “hindi naman
kayo.”
This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng “kalaro.”
Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala
talagang kasiguraduhan.
So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman
sigurado kung may patutunguhan?
Iba’t ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng “buti na iyan kesa wala” or puwede na iyang “pantawid-gutom.” Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian.
For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at! All. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that “kilig” feeling.
Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships
din ako. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn’t commit,
because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren’t ready to commit.
My rationalization, “okay na iyun, kesa wala.”
Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan.
But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang lugi.
Una, you can’t ask him to commit. Since it’s not really a relationship, you can’t demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can’t expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself.
Ano ka ba niya para magselos?
Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can’t be sure if he
feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if
you are dying to tell him you love him, you can’t. Because you’re not sure if he’ll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.
Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn’t? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?
Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa pseudo-relationship, there is no “us.” Meron lang “you and me,” hindi “us.”
Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable, hoping to! Bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually thatthe guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else.
Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and you’d end up hurting yourself in the process. Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the
consequences.
But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.
When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable guy, a friend told me, “Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita.”
Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil ang “parang kayo pero hindi” stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang siya … almost, but not quite.
Filed under: moments
Death seems to be something that would bring solemn tears to our eyes, and sometimes it is something that we fear. We are afraid to die or to lose the conscience of being. But I have always seen death as the only passage to the real existence – like time. It is something one would run to catch up and try to bring back but one would know only that when it is really means is about longing for love and frailty, indirectly, implied because of the fear at one might see a crack of weakness.
I cracked my brain for some reasons to convince myself that my day was an ordinary one although the seconds that passed by were a little abstruse. Maybe it was because I was waiting for some worldly signs from something unknown. Today is June 9, and two years ago, I obtained the very same feelings like today. Not would someone would die again. But if it would be me, I guess, I would not waste time reviewing for a chemistry test tomorrow. I closed my eyes for a while and assumed myself that nothing wrong will happen today.
Two years ago was the last time I ever attended a Wednesday novena. I would still remember myself being dragged inside the church by an unknown force and I sat on one of the pews. When I received the Holy Eucharist, a lonely but strong tears fell and rolled down my pimple patched face. I didn’t know what’s the reason was until a phone call brought me to my knees. PHIL was gone, eaten by an acute leukemia. So that’s why I am bowling like a five year old when I was in the church…because Phil died on the 9th day of June.
Two years ago was the last time I ever attended, I will never forget that. When I went to my college and I come to face the reality, one morning a somewhat familiar song awakened me from the past with a confused mood. It was Phil’s favorite song, an acoustic one. I didn’t know why the hell it suddenly floated in the air. I haven’t heard that song in months. I thought it was just a coincident. Night came and a friend called and reminded me…that day was Phil’s death anniversary. So, there it was – a realization that I was a stupid like a maggot with nothing but dumbness.
I looked at the sagging ceiling of our house and admired the broken lamp at the gate post, wondering what could be the only beautiful thing I could see here…my lovebirds. One was packing n some birdseed and I manage to smile, maybe the other one was perched on a branch. I carefully place in between the steel bars of the cage. I love them more than a NSYNC cd…or maybe more than a bar of Cadbury or more than vanity. I walked closer to the window and looked for a blue-colored-one…it was missing.
I ran outside and held my hands, myself, tightly so I won’t break down into pieces. The little bird was lying on the bottom steel bars with its eyes closed. My hands were shaking as I opened the cage door and cupped the bird in my hands…DEAD…without LIFE…stolen by hell-given fate. I cursed myself that I would die if ever cry…but I cried…ME…the little sensitive thing who knew nothing. The bird was dead and I guess it was my fault in my entire life. Do you think it was HIM?
I searched for answers. I strongly wish it was better if it is me who left the world who does not need me anymore.
I knew it. Today is June 9
“TRIALS DON’T COME ALONG O MAKE US FALL, BUT FOR US TO LOOK GOD AND CALL. TRIALS DON’T SERVE AS A KEY TO HATE BUT RATHER DOORS TO A GREATER FATE…”
Filed under: kalokohan
Count me in. I can be your all against this big mad world of numbers. If you hate math and all that stands for, stand up and be counted.
OO!!!galet ako sa math. And I’m mad at everything associated with it, numbers, calculators, math teachers, statistics, geometry, calculus, accounting, counting, abacus, mathematicians, units of measurements, rulers, plusses, minuses, and innumerable other things.
Oddly, the feeling is mutual. Galit din ang Math sa akin.
I have hated Math for as long as far as I remember. I hated it so much that I wouldn’t listen to nursery rhymes and childhood stories involving numbers. Who wants to count little Indians from ten to one and then back? Who needs one-two to buckle my shoe or three-four shut the door? Pardon me, but I would hate to sing a song of sixpence and find four and twenty blackbirds baked in my pie! I couldn’t care less what happened to Snow White’s seven dwarfs when she finally met her prince, and in my opinion the forty characters in Ali Baba’s tale should have been in jail because they are all thieves. I hated the guts of Sesame Street’s Dracula not because of his fangs but because he’s so illiterate that all he does is counting (tamaan sana siya ng kidlat!). If you ask me, I’d rather stay home than splurge my hard-earned salary on a trip around the world in eighty days.
I long for the days when Math was represented by three apples, one banana or five balls I had to draw on a blank space on my test papers. Math then, life was simple. Simple computations via “My dear Aunt Sally” just as musical notes come in fat-eats-apple-during-good-climate monemnics.
In school, an elective course taught me practical Mathematics from solving the interest of money deposited in a bank (whatever “principal times rate times time” means) to basic accounting (A-one, A-two, A-three…). This course was called Consumers Math and true enough, it consumed me. During the bonfire night, a week before graduation when we were instructed to let go of our bad memories by throwing to the fire everything we wanted to forget, I didn’t only burn my Math notebook, I also shouted “LONG LIVE MATHEMATICS!!!”(With matching tawang malakas talaga).
Mas worst ang mga sumunod na pangyayari. I become “MATHOPOBIC”. I was no longer the person I was but a mere statistic represented by my student number 2k2-1804-6 (punyeta..ayaw talaga akong tantanan ng numero!!!). I like my weird history teacher who after drinking three bottles of milk asked me, “Ano ba ang reality?” I also like my political science teacher who in the line with our lesson about colonial mentality ask me if I had ever done “SEX” in an American way, (pak-sheet naman sir, bata pa po ako..kotongan kita makita mo..haysz). But I never liked my Math teacher who every year, welcome me by saying, “oh! (with matching pa-cute effect pa,) IKAW na NAMAN!!!” and then kept insisting me for the nth time that the equation “zero plus zero equals zero” can be proven by theorems and postulates. All I knew was if I had nothing and you had nothing then whether we put them together or not, we will still end up with nothing.
Oh diyos naming patawarin mo po ako! But I wished all mathematical formulas were as easy to memorize as my viands at the house. And to think that grades were given in numbers (tama ang hinala mo tol, ang mga grades ko ay naggagandahang 70’s hehehe).
Merong time nung nag-aaral ako that I had to take logarithmic! My tests scores were so “mean”, it couldn’t even reach the median. Thus, when my teacher assured me that the “drop-the-lowest-rule applied” (meaning grades would be computed based on our higher scores). I panicked. I immediately dropped the subject before my teacher dropped the lowest – AKO!
Even now, everywhere I turn I still have to face numbers and count and die. I wake up everyday (after eight hours of sleep), do my routine exercise by the numbers, eat three basic meals, take so-and-so milligrams of food supplement, budget my money, wait in a bank until my number is called, ad infinitum.
But who cares? I don’t count my change after I purchase anything (and I don’t see any difference anyway even if I do). And of course, I always take my vitamins before I sleep lest I be forced to count to sleep.
Ang pagkatakot ko sa Math ay naging isang bangungot. I can even write a song about it. But since I’m not a musician too, borrowing the tune of Oscar the Grouch’s favorite “I Love Trash” for my “I Hate Math” song is a splendid idea. (Buntong hininga…haysz) Yes, my repulsion for math is equivalent to the value of a mathematical piano one will ever see its end.
But then I remember that even Almighty is a mathematical mystery. One God in three divine persons, how can that be? Like the Holy Trinity. I believe with some amount of conviction that math equations should be left that way through all these unanswered. With religion in mind, I bluffed my way through all these by convincing myself that “MATH IS NOTHING but a ROMAN CATHOLIC thervith”.
My sister insisted me that Math is essential. When you grow up, you’ll know she said to me.
I’ve grown up and still growing up and still I cannot understand. In this aspect, my sister who is now a married woman. (buntong hiningang malalim na malalim).
Well I’m a dreamer too (lalo na sa mga Math class na tinulugan ko at tinutulugan ko pa rin hanggang ngayon…sssshhh..wak ka maingay ka..) And I dream of really putting up an anti-Math society. I imagine that you and your allies will sign up, and our society will gather a huge membership. There will be politicians, musicians, illiterates, grammarians, abandoned youth and street children and like the stars and the sand they’ll be too many to be counted…..Hep..hep..hep..teka lang..ano ka mo???Magbibilang na naman???Anu kaya yun…Seems like there is no escaping this mad mathematical world.
Be my ally. Count me out.
Filed under: moments
I knew it was summer nang ang aking butihing ina began nagging me na linisin ang aking kuwarto ng old books, test papers and junks. She expressed puzzlement over how I knew which of my clothes had been worn and not and said I was such a slob and that my room was even messier than a guy. Si inang mahal believed that little creature had already taken sanctuary in my jungle. (nak naman ng teteng, sasabihan ka na lang na linisin mo ang kuwarto mo, ang dami pang sinabi…at nang-okray pa…mga nanay talaga…tsk…tsk..tsk..)
So para hindi ako mapagalitan, masermunan at makapagpa-alam para sa mga gala ko, I decided tomorrow (hindi ko na matandaan ang date nung time na yun..basta tomorrow) would be the best day to carry out my mission since: a). ang panahon ay sadyang naki-ayon sa aking misyon. B). my pesky friends would be out for the day, meaning no one would barge into my room and pester me, c). all of my friends and classmates were out of town, meaning ulit na I’d be able to find the best way I could do my work without the cellphone distracting me; d). ang gimmick ko that day was set the day after tomorrow meaning makakahanap ako ng mga aakmang damit na magagamit ko (it would probably just got buried somewhere) and get a few curfew for doing what inang mahal wanted me to do. So I went to bed early,set my alarm clock kahit na alam kong mauuna pa akong magising kaysa tumunog ito at 6:00 am and slept to get much needed rest for the next day’s tiring activity.
Nang ang alarm clock ay tumunog na na halos matanggal ang lahat ng tutule o tulele? Ah ewan, sa tenga ko, my eyes flew open. Si haring Araw is barely up and I had to drag myself out of bed, but na-realized ko na I had a task to do. Nung araw nay un gusto kong patunayan kay inang mahal na minsan nagiging malinis din naman ako..(yun nga lang…MINSAN LANG TALAGA..)..pinangako ko yun nung araw na yun…taga pa ni inang mahal sa bato.
Matapos kong lumamon ng breakfast (lamon talaga kasi naisip kong mejo paguran ang gagawin ko), I went to my “so called room”, sinuot ang pinakagus-gusing damit na meron ako, armed with broom and dustpan, a couple of rags in a pail of water, some of my favorite tapes and a jug filled with juice (wow sosyal, pajuice-juice pa!), I entered the battles zone. The first thing I did was picked up everything on the floor: books, magazines, socks, a couple of dirty clothes (imagining nio nalang kung gaano kagulo ang kuwarto ko..kaya hindi na ako nagreact ng pinagsabihan ako ni inang mahal na linisin ko na yun). When that was done, I took down everything from the shelves then wiped them clean. (akalain mo yun na nagawa ko yun? Hayss…buntong hininga).
Dito na nagsimula ang pakikipagsalapalaran ni tom sawyer..este this is where my trouble began. The dust wasn’t much, but was hidden behind those shelves started it. There were little papers (buti na lang nga papel at hindi kung anu-ano o kaya duwende nab aka akalain nila na nahanap na nila si Snow White…(hahahaha..tawang malakas)…
Ayun nga…sa mga papel ulit (yun yung mostly I flunked) that I threw them in dismay (baka dahil bagsak kasi sa test), mga chocolate and candy bar wrappers, a couple of empty ballpens and ugly photo and notes from my friend and classmates.
I got stuck with the things I found. When I saw a note, I couldn’t help but read it. Then I remember when or how it came to my possession. After an hour, I was surrounded by heaps of letters and papers on the floor. Reading each one of them seemed to back in time..(parang nagrewind ang buhay ko nun…gumamit ata ako nun ng time tuner hahaha..gaya ng sa harry potter….hermione ako ba un???hahaha). I found myself laughing na para bang sira ulong tawa nang tawa when I stumbled on some pictures during my schooldays. They were programs we got forced into performing. It was really funny the way we look ourselves way back or years ago… (ciempre mas magaganda na kami ngayon…maraming salamat kay Vicky Belo at Manny and Pie Calayan). So much had changed and the thought depressed me so instantly. I missed my old friends and the friendship we had. We seem too got have gotten tired of each other.
Another picture of my old love (yikes…here I am again…) and another sad ending. A smile flickered across my face as I recalled how it felt to be in love, the promises we made to each other, the stupid fights that keep us both awake all night, the sickening sweetness, the moments we shared like there was no tomorrow, the love we thought could last.
More picture of him and happier days, and some letters too. Youth seemed to have the effect: we were both young that time (at siguro younger than now) then and so eager to fall in love only to find out that we really didn’t know what we were headed for. In eventually led us to parting our ways. Like fake honeys that turn brittle in time, so did our love.
We broke up in most uncivilized manner (ganda talaga ng lola nio). Then after months of ignoring each other, we made peace and talked things out as if nothings happened. Maybe because it was the time of the year (PASKO), or maybe we both realized that we are not meant for each other and just fed up with my conscience or maybe it was the alcohol (mga tol…alak pa) whatever got into me doesn’t matter anymore, at least I’ve gained a good friend back and for me he is one of my special friend I really hold dear.
The years that passed taught me a lot of things. They made me really strong and tough enough to do things (yung tipong katulad ni Captain Barbel) my way.
Hindi man ako mana sa mga magulang at kapatid ko na nabiyayaan ng talino, hindi rin naman masasabing bobo ako dahil there’s no such man as bobo (bob ong meron). Hindi lang talaga ako yung tipo ng mag-aaral na umaatend ng normal school. I went to a public school. They use something “bring parent approach” which is said to be effective. Pero nung time na yun, parang hindi naman kasi mas marami pa rin ang loko-lokong tulad ko kaysa sa marurunong. Most of the students there are what you call “problem kids” siyempre I BELONG!. In that school I saw and dealt with vices that kids at my age wouldn’t normally see (feeling ko non masyado akong na-expose sa katarantaduhan kaya ganito na ako ngayon..pero ciempre I never regret any single amount of it, otherwise naging proud pa nga ako…PROUD TO BE KAPUSO…ahem..ahem..ahem..) Peer pressure was very hard to resist there since everybody knew everyone else. So I did things I regret now..(ay, sorry! May ilang bagay palang pinag-sisishan ko).
Sa kabutihang palad. I found a really good friend there. Kahit naman ganun ang school ko may endangered specie rin naman doon, pero talagang endangered na kasi iilan lang ang matitinong tao dun. Pangalanan natin siyang MARGE (wow, para naman mejo sosyal ang dating). Para sa akin, (ewan ko sa iba niyang friends) she (ibig sabihin babae) is the friend who last a lifetime (wow!). Hindi mo kasi aakalain na mayroong nilalang na katulad niya sa magulong paaralan na yon kasi nga puro loko-loko ang mga nag-aaral dun tulad ko. Pero siyempre mabait pa rin si God sa akin dahil binigyan niya ako ng Marge. Pero minsan, naisip ko na baka ito na yung sign ni Papa God na baguhin ko na ang sarili ko (Oh papa God wag naman po). In the course (of course) of our friendship, I always have taken many wrong turns (ciempre mabait nga siya kaya ako lang ang gumagawa ng bad things, hindi ko sha maimpluwenshahan eh.) sometimes towards dead ends pa nga pero minsan sha rin (aba’y abuso na sha kung puro ako na lang ng ako..ako lang ba ang masama…para naman maging fair.)Still regardless of the troubles got ourselves into, we stick to each other. After of years of what seemed like forever, finally we graduated. Nobody cried but our teachers.
We waste no time in getting out there. The member of our class hardly got along with each other. We were sick and tired of seeing people the same day with each other (naisip ko nga that time, baka minsan nagkakapalit-palit na sila ng mga mukha). It was really sad because the class started out real fine but I guess people do change. Especially physically. (kung dati maganda ako..edi lalo na ngayon…hahaha…tawang malakas…at kung panget ka na noon..edi alam mo na kung anong itsura mo ngayon, not unless marami kang pera para magpa-surgery..tawag or text ka lang kay Vicky / Manny/ or Pie).
Most of the wisdom I now have came after those wrong turns and dead ends. The pain that came with wisdom isn’t completely healed yet and again I am forced with another obstacle in my journey: COLLEGE.
After all that cleaning and reminiscing, I decided not to throw the letters, test papers and junk I had collected. It feels good to remember your triumphs and disappointments once in a while. To replay them in your mind, to serve as a reminder of the past. I put them all in a box (ciempre para hindi na ako sermunan ni inang mahal ko).
Box will be kept in my neat closet. The past is not for torture, feeling stuck or remembering every thing but for delicious memories, nostalgia and learning from.
As I closed my closet, I looked around my room. I did a great job. (at least kahit man lang duon, nakagawa ako ng great things). The clutter and the garbage were no where in sight. My clothes were neatly hanger in the closet, the bed neatly done with new sheets. Old pictures and test papers no longer littered the drawers. I felt like a new person. I had arranged my things along with my memories, story and sentiments each object carried. I was ready to face the challenges this new phase in life would bring.
Magsisimula ako dito. Pain would never be far, however I thought I’d be prepared to deal with them. And when things became little rough, I could stay with my room, shut everyone out and retire my own world. There in the privacy of my own. I could return and take sanctuary in my happy memories. My memories would be serving as a break from whatever I might be going through. From there I could pull myself together and emerge stronger than before.
When I was done, it was already dark. The clock said it was way past dinner time, but I hadn’t notice it, so intent was I was on cleaning my room and recollecting my thoughts. At least I finished my work and got more than what I bargained for.
As I left my room to show my inang mahal what I had done for that day (at sabihin na ako ay may gimmick para sa susunod na mga araw), I caught a glimpse of the things I left on the shelf; the altar and below it. Picture of inang mahal at ako, ang aking buong angkan, nung mga graduations ko and siempre mawawala ba ang picture naming ni MARGE? (ciempre hindi). Those are the things I just hope I will never have to put away.
Filed under: moments
It was 8’o clock in the evening when I ran to my room crying, leaving my things scattered behind. The moment my mother saw me in the corner, she said; “OK LANG YUN”. It was the last word that I heard.
I entered our house desperately, and from there, I saw her sitting very still in the wooden chair, chatting along with some of her so called friends. The sight of her face and body filled me with pain I cannot describe, I thought that I should be one of them or dapat ako lang talaga ang nandun kasama NIYA. Tears were not enough to express my insecurities.
I wasn’t prepared for that kind of tragedy (kung tragedy ngang matatawag yun kasi hindi naman sha sakuna tulad ng bagyo, tidal wave, etc.). In a snap, everything has changed. I lost her and the worst I still don’t know what’s the reason behind why she ignore me. (ang alam ko that time masaya pa kami…hingang malalim).
Knowing that maybe I would never hold her again in my arms added to my pain.
I FELT ALL ALONE…
To say that “heaven came crashing down on me,” (English version ng “ para kang binagsakan ng langit ah”) is an understatement. It was worst than that.
As I looked at her memorabilia, questions came rushing to my mind. Sobrang gulong gulo ang utak ko non. (mas magulo pa sa rally sa Makati ng pumunta si Jun Lozada), Nasabi ko sa sarili ko, How will I go on with my life? Who will I share my achievements and failures? Yung kaisa-isang taong tukmol na laging umiintindi more than anybody else lalo na pagdating sa kadramahan at kainartehan ko sa buhay, nawala pa. Tinanong ko tuloy si God, why of all people it had to be my one of my best friend, bakit si BATA PA? (narinig kaya ni God yung tanong ko? Or natutulog kaya siya nung time na tinanong ko yun? Sana narinig niya).
Nung mga panahon na nagmumuni-muni ako habang nakain ng mani na may pamagat na HAPPY, kahit SAD ako, I despised everything. My mind was filled with uncertainty. I didn’t know how I will cope with the loss. Masyado akong naging apektado that I couldn’t see any reason life should go on. ( para akong nawalan ng pamilya at naiwan sa isang island mag-isa). (parang sobrang hirap naman nun..lalo pa’t walang computer. Ma-mimiss ko si MR. Yahoo, Mr. Google, YM at Friendster, naiisiip ko palang parang hindi ko na kaya…buti nalang hanggang isip lang siya.)
Ok. Back to the story. The role she played (hindi sha artista ah) in my development as a person was unequaled by anyone, including my best friend. She influenced most of my attitudes, (kung dati sira ulo at loko-loko ako, nung nakilala ko sha MAS naging gagu at sira ulo ako…heheheheh). Kidding aside, she was more than a sister to me, she was my best friend and my sister rolled in one. (pang 2-in-1 coffee lang).
Ang friendship naming ay wala namang extra-ordianry sa iba, maliban sa mga abnormal kami. We would fight and kiss and make-up afterwards na para bang wala naman talagang nangyari.
“BATA” breathed life into myself. She was the teller of jokes and she made me see the lighter side of life (kahit na atoms or molecules pa un). She relieved my weariness with her anecdotes after a day’s hard work. (kahit wala naman talaga kaming ginawa maghapon at niloloko naming ang isa’t –isa na marami kaming ginawa). She would turn simple incidents into something funny or ridiculous.
She was the best impersonator I’ve ever since (talo niya pa si pokwang at many pookyaw sa galing niyang magpatawa). She had this uncanny talent for mimicking other people manners and even their speech. If she had this for living, alam ko magiging successful siya. Pero humble ang friend ko eh, camera shy daw sha at hindi siya sanay mamigay ng mga autograph. Ayaw din nia ang masyadong magpayaman. (haysz).
We shared the same interests, including….anu nga ba? Parang wala naman…wala pala..sorry tao lang.
Bata was the brother I never had. Hindi dahil mukha siyang lalaki or barako sha (naku, lagot ako pag nalaman nia to. Buti nalang hindi mahilig magbasa ng blogs un kundi sa kangkungan ako pupulutin). She protected me from all the threath (kahit bomb threath) I encountered while spending time with her. She was my shield from the fires of a mad world. (para siyang babaeng version bni SHAIDO..siya si SHAIDA). Her advice was seldom spoken, I learned as much as she did from her own experiences.
Bata was never harbored any bitterness despite her many frustration in her life. Sabi niya nga minsan, “huwag mong pagsisihan ang mga bagay na ginawa mo, kasi ginawa mu yun. Sa uulitin, bago mu gawin ang isang bagay, pag-isipan mo ng maige para hindi ka magsisisi sa huli”. (oh dib a nasermunan pa ako!). Ang salitang “REGRET” ay wala sa kanyang bokabularyo, pero ang pangungusap na “MAGANDA SI BATA” ay ultimo back page ng Webster’s dictionary niya nakasulat ang sentence nay un. Sabi nga di ba, love yourself before others..
She never bore a grudge against anyone for long she was quick to forgive and forget the past. (pero bakit pag ako?)
Every time I witnessed an amusing incident I couldn’t tell her soon enough about it. She laughed at my corniest jokes. We would stay awake till the wee hours of the morning chatting about anything and everything under the sun be it nonsense or secrets.
Several weeks after the incident (sounds like SOCO naman) I witnessed a humorous incident on my way to school. Tapos kung masaksihan ang nangyari, naisip ko how Bata like this to know. Pero bigla na lang nag-flash back na hindi pala kami nagpapansinan.
Marami na kaming napagdaanan. Dinaanan at dadaanan pa lng. (buntong hininga). She would check always if I am OK. If I was at our home. When we have to stay out late, she wouldn’t sleep until I was inside of our house. And when I felt all alone she would worry endlessly about what happened. Siyempre kakausapin nia ako at kukulitin hanggang sa maging Ok na ulit ako.
Alam kong hindi na maibabalik ang mga nakalipas na nagdaan. Sabi nga sa kanta ng isang singer na hindi ko kilala “kung maibabalik ko lang ang dating ikot ng mundo” pero naisip ko na hindi naman ako si GOD para magawa ko yun. I know nothing will ever bring her back to me again. Not the ilang balde at palangganang tears that I cry at naging parang La Niña ang bahay naming noon when I feel insecure and jealous every time na may kasama siyang iba, not my intense longing to be her FRIEND again. Naisip ko hindi naman ako masamang tao ah. Hindi rin naman ako wanted. Pero bakit sila lang?
I don’t know how I can get over the loss that time. (siyempre ngayon bati na kami ulit, kasi hindi na kami mga batang paslit and we were very close than before. Ahem..ahem…ahem). I am sorry that I didn’t have the guts to tell her how much I appreciated all the things she did for me. I should try to repay her in kind.
Nung nawala sha (pero hindi naman totally nawala dahil nasa iisang bahay lang kami) na-forced ako to be strong. Naisip ko, kung ayaw niya sa akin bakit ko ba ipagpipilitan ang sarili ko. (labas sa ilong lang yun).
It’s been 6 months, 8 days, 12 hours since she left away ang drama naming nun. Inamin ko sa sarili ko pero hindi sa iba na sobrang namimiss ko na sha. Pero anu bang magagawa ko kung di ang manahimik nalang at karirin ang pagba-blog..(naisip kong talunin si inday. Maldito atbp…malay mo kung ito pala ang gusto ni Papa God na mangyari sa akin..(Laughing out louds). Some people think that I have overcome my sadness for they may see me laughing and happy. Pero mali sila, dahil ito’y isang huwad lamang at walang pawing katotohanan.
Si BATA, gave me the true and nothing but the true meaning of life, and without her I can never be the same old me.
