batabatuta blog

            I knew it was summer nang ang aking butihing ina began nagging me na linisin ang aking kuwarto ng old books, test papers and junks. She expressed puzzlement over how I knew which of my clothes had been worn and not and said I was such a slob and that my room was even messier than a guy. Si inang mahal believed that little creature had already taken sanctuary in my jungle. (nak naman ng teteng, sasabihan ka na lang na linisin mo ang kuwarto mo, ang dami pang sinabi…at nang-okray pa…mga nanay talaga…tsk…tsk..tsk..)

            So para hindi ako mapagalitan, masermunan at makapagpa-alam para sa mga gala ko, I decided tomorrow (hindi ko na matandaan ang date nung time na yun..basta tomorrow) would be the best day to carry out my mission since: a). ang panahon ay sadyang naki-ayon sa aking misyon. B). my pesky friends would be out for the day, meaning no one would barge into my room and pester me, c). all of my friends and classmates were out of town, meaning ulit na I’d be able to find the best way I could do my work without the cellphone distracting me; d). ang gimmick ko that day was set the day after tomorrow meaning makakahanap ako ng mga aakmang damit na magagamit ko (it would probably just got buried somewhere) and get a few curfew for doing what inang mahal wanted me to do. So I went to bed early,set my alarm clock kahit na alam kong mauuna pa akong magising kaysa tumunog ito at 6:00 am and slept to get much needed rest for the next day’s tiring activity.

            Nang ang alarm clock ay tumunog na na halos matanggal ang lahat ng tutule o tulele? Ah ewan, sa tenga ko, my eyes flew open. Si haring Araw is barely up and I had to drag myself out of bed, but na-realized ko na I had a task to do. Nung araw nay un gusto kong patunayan kay inang mahal na minsan nagiging malinis din naman ako..(yun nga lang…MINSAN LANG TALAGA..)..pinangako ko yun nung araw na yun…taga pa ni inang mahal sa bato.

            Matapos kong lumamon ng breakfast (lamon talaga kasi naisip kong mejo paguran ang gagawin ko), I went to my “so called room”, sinuot ang pinakagus-gusing damit na meron ako, armed with broom and dustpan, a couple of rags in a pail of water, some of my favorite tapes and a jug filled with juice (wow sosyal, pajuice-juice pa!), I entered the battles zone. The first thing I did was picked up everything on the floor: books, magazines, socks, a couple of dirty clothes (imagining nio nalang kung gaano kagulo ang kuwarto ko..kaya hindi na ako nagreact ng pinagsabihan ako ni inang mahal na linisin ko na yun). When that was done, I took down everything from the shelves then wiped them clean. (akalain mo yun na nagawa ko yun? Hayss…buntong hininga).

            Dito na nagsimula ang pakikipagsalapalaran ni tom sawyer..este this is where my trouble began. The dust wasn’t much, but was hidden behind those shelves started it. There were little papers (buti na lang nga papel at hindi kung anu-ano o kaya duwende nab aka akalain nila na nahanap na nila si Snow White…(hahahaha..tawang malakas)…

Ayun nga…sa mga papel ulit (yun yung mostly I flunked) that I threw them in dismay (baka dahil bagsak kasi sa test), mga chocolate and candy bar wrappers, a couple of empty ballpens and ugly photo and notes from my friend and classmates.

            I got stuck with the things I found. When I saw a note, I couldn’t help but read it. Then I remember when or how it came to my possession. After an hour, I was surrounded by heaps of letters and papers on the floor. Reading each one of them seemed to back in time..(parang nagrewind ang buhay ko nun…gumamit ata ako nun ng time tuner hahaha..gaya ng sa harry potter….hermione ako ba un???hahaha). I found myself laughing na para bang sira ulong tawa nang tawa when I stumbled on some pictures during my schooldays. They were programs we got forced into performing. It was really funny the way we look ourselves way back or years ago… (ciempre mas magaganda na kami ngayon…maraming salamat kay Vicky Belo at Manny and Pie Calayan). So much had changed and the thought depressed me so instantly. I missed my old friends and the friendship we had. We seem too got have gotten tired of each other.

            Another picture of my old love (yikes…here I am again…) and another sad ending. A smile flickered across my face as I recalled how it felt to be in love, the promises we made to each other, the stupid fights that keep us both awake all night, the sickening sweetness, the moments we shared like there was no tomorrow, the love we thought could last.

            More picture of him and happier days, and some letters too. Youth seemed to have the effect: we were both young that time (at siguro younger than now) then and so eager to fall in love only to find out that we really didn’t know what we were headed for.  In eventually led us to parting our ways. Like fake honeys that turn brittle in time, so did our love.

            We broke up in most uncivilized manner (ganda talaga ng lola nio). Then after months of ignoring each other, we made peace and talked things out as if nothings happened. Maybe because it was the time of the year (PASKO), or maybe we both realized that we are not meant for each other and just fed up with my conscience or maybe it was the alcohol (mga tol…alak pa) whatever got into me doesn’t matter anymore, at least I’ve gained a good friend back and for me he is one of my special friend I really hold dear.

            The years that passed taught me a lot of things. They made me really strong and tough enough to do things (yung tipong katulad ni Captain Barbel) my way.

            Hindi man ako mana sa mga magulang at kapatid ko na nabiyayaan ng talino, hindi rin naman masasabing bobo ako dahil there’s no such man as bobo (bob ong meron). Hindi lang talaga ako yung tipo ng mag-aaral na umaatend ng normal school. I went to a public school. They use something “bring parent approach” which is said to be effective. Pero nung time na yun, parang hindi naman kasi mas marami pa rin ang loko-lokong tulad ko kaysa sa marurunong. Most of the students there are what you call “problem kids” siyempre I BELONG!. In that school I saw and dealt with vices that kids at my age wouldn’t normally see (feeling ko non masyado akong na-expose sa katarantaduhan kaya ganito na ako ngayon..pero ciempre I never regret any single amount of it, otherwise naging proud pa nga ako…PROUD TO BE KAPUSO…ahem..ahem..ahem..) Peer pressure was very hard to resist there since everybody knew everyone else. So I did things I regret now..(ay, sorry! May ilang bagay palang pinag-sisishan ko).

            Sa kabutihang palad. I found a really good friend there. Kahit naman ganun ang school ko may endangered specie rin naman doon, pero talagang endangered na kasi iilan lang ang matitinong tao dun. Pangalanan natin siyang MARGE (wow, para naman mejo sosyal ang dating). Para sa akin, (ewan ko sa iba niyang friends) she (ibig sabihin babae) is the friend who last a lifetime (wow!).  Hindi mo kasi aakalain na mayroong nilalang na katulad niya sa magulong paaralan na yon kasi nga puro loko-loko ang mga nag-aaral dun tulad ko. Pero siyempre mabait pa rin si God sa akin dahil binigyan niya ako ng Marge. Pero minsan, naisip ko na baka ito na yung sign ni Papa God na baguhin ko na ang sarili ko (Oh papa God wag naman po). In the course (of course) of our friendship, I always have taken many wrong turns (ciempre mabait nga siya kaya ako lang ang gumagawa ng bad things, hindi ko sha maimpluwenshahan eh.) sometimes towards dead ends pa nga pero minsan sha rin (aba’y abuso na sha kung puro ako na lang ng ako..ako lang ba ang masama…para naman maging fair.)Still regardless of the troubles got ourselves into, we stick to each other. After of years of what seemed like forever, finally we graduated. Nobody cried but our teachers.

            We waste no time in getting out there. The member of our class hardly got along with each other. We were sick and tired of seeing people the same day with each other (naisip ko nga that time, baka minsan nagkakapalit-palit na sila ng mga mukha). It was really sad because the class started out real fine but I guess people do change. Especially physically. (kung dati maganda ako..edi lalo na ngayon…hahaha…tawang malakas…at kung panget ka na noon..edi alam mo na kung anong itsura mo ngayon, not unless marami kang pera para magpa-surgery..tawag or text ka lang kay Vicky / Manny/ or Pie).

            Most of the wisdom I now have came after those wrong turns and dead ends. The pain that came with wisdom isn’t completely healed yet and again I am forced with another obstacle in my journey: COLLEGE.

            After all that cleaning and reminiscing, I decided not to throw the letters, test papers and junk I had collected. It feels good to remember your triumphs and disappointments once in a while. To replay them in your mind, to serve as a reminder of the past. I put them all in a box (ciempre para hindi na ako sermunan ni inang mahal ko).

Box will be kept in my neat closet. The past is not for torture, feeling stuck or remembering every thing but for delicious memories, nostalgia and learning from.

            As I closed my closet, I looked around my room. I did a great job. (at least kahit man lang duon, nakagawa ako ng great things). The clutter and the garbage were no where in sight. My clothes were neatly hanger in the closet, the bed neatly done with new sheets. Old pictures and test papers no longer littered the drawers. I felt like a new person. I had arranged my things along with my memories, story and sentiments each object carried. I was ready to face the challenges this new phase in life would bring.

            Magsisimula ako dito. Pain would never be far, however I thought I’d be prepared to deal with them. And when things became little rough, I could stay with my room, shut everyone out and retire my own world. There in the privacy of my own. I could return and take sanctuary in my happy memories. My memories would be serving as a break from whatever I might be going through. From there I could pull myself together and emerge stronger than before.

            When I was done, it was already dark. The clock said it was way past dinner time, but I hadn’t notice it, so intent was I was on cleaning my room and recollecting my thoughts. At least I finished my work and got more than what I bargained for.

            As I left my room to show my inang mahal what I had done for that day (at sabihin na ako ay may gimmick para sa susunod na mga araw), I caught a glimpse of the things I left on the shelf; the altar and below it. Picture of inang mahal at ako, ang aking buong angkan, nung mga graduations ko and siempre mawawala ba ang picture naming ni MARGE? (ciempre hindi). Those are the things I just hope I will never have to put away.

It was 8’o clock in the evening when I ran to my room crying, leaving my things scattered behind. The moment my mother saw me in the corner, she said; “OK LANG YUN”. It was the last word that I heard.

I entered our house desperately, and from there, I saw her sitting very still in the wooden chair, chatting along with some of her so called friends. The sight of her face and body filled me with pain I cannot describe, I thought that I should be one of them or dapat ako lang talaga ang nandun kasama NIYA. Tears were not enough to express my insecurities.

I wasn’t prepared for that kind of tragedy (kung tragedy ngang matatawag yun kasi hindi naman sha sakuna tulad ng bagyo, tidal wave, etc.). In a snap, everything has changed. I lost her and the worst I still don’t know what’s the reason behind why she ignore me. (ang alam ko that time masaya pa kami…hingang malalim).

Knowing that maybe I would never hold her again in my arms added to my pain.

I FELT ALL ALONE…

To say that “heaven came crashing down on me,” (English version ng “ para kang binagsakan ng langit ah”) is an understatement. It was worst than that.

As I looked at her memorabilia, questions came rushing to my mind. Sobrang gulong gulo ang utak ko non. (mas magulo pa sa rally sa Makati ng pumunta si Jun Lozada), Nasabi ko sa sarili ko, How will I go on with my life? Who will I share my achievements and failures? Yung kaisa-isang taong tukmol na laging umiintindi more than anybody else lalo na pagdating sa kadramahan at kainartehan ko sa buhay, nawala pa. Tinanong ko tuloy si God, why of all people it had to be my one of my best friend, bakit si BATA PA? (narinig kaya ni God yung tanong ko? Or natutulog kaya siya nung time na tinanong ko yun? Sana narinig niya).

Nung mga panahon na nagmumuni-muni ako habang nakain ng mani na may pamagat na HAPPY, kahit SAD ako, I despised everything. My mind was filled with uncertainty. I didn’t know how I will cope with the loss. Masyado akong naging apektado that I couldn’t see any reason life should go on. ( para akong nawalan ng pamilya at naiwan sa isang island mag-isa). (parang sobrang hirap naman nun..lalo pa’t walang computer. Ma-mimiss ko si MR. Yahoo, Mr. Google, YM at Friendster, naiisiip ko palang parang hindi ko na kaya…buti nalang hanggang isip lang siya.)

Ok. Back to the story. The role she played (hindi sha artista ah) in my development as a person was unequaled by anyone, including my best friend. She influenced most of my attitudes, (kung dati sira ulo at loko-loko ako, nung nakilala ko sha MAS naging gagu at sira ulo ako…heheheheh). Kidding aside, she was more than a sister to me, she was my best friend and my sister rolled in one. (pang 2-in-1 coffee lang).

Ang friendship naming ay wala namang extra-ordianry sa iba, maliban sa mga abnormal kami. We would fight and kiss and make-up afterwards na para bang wala naman talagang nangyari.

“BATA” breathed life into myself. She was the teller of jokes and she made me see the lighter side of life (kahit na atoms or molecules pa un). She relieved my weariness with her anecdotes after a day’s hard work. (kahit wala naman talaga kaming ginawa maghapon at niloloko naming ang isa’t –isa na marami kaming ginawa). She would turn simple incidents into something funny or ridiculous.

She was the best impersonator I’ve ever since (talo niya pa si pokwang at many pookyaw sa galing niyang magpatawa). She had this uncanny talent for mimicking other people manners and even their speech. If she had this for living, alam ko magiging successful siya. Pero humble ang friend ko eh, camera shy daw sha at hindi siya sanay mamigay ng mga autograph. Ayaw din nia ang masyadong magpayaman. (haysz).

We shared the same interests, including….anu nga ba? Parang wala naman…wala pala..sorry tao lang.

Bata was the brother I never had. Hindi dahil mukha siyang lalaki or barako sha (naku, lagot ako pag nalaman nia to. Buti nalang hindi mahilig magbasa ng blogs un kundi sa kangkungan ako pupulutin). She protected me from all the threath (kahit bomb threath) I encountered while spending time with her. She was my shield from the fires of a mad world. (para siyang babaeng version bni SHAIDO..siya si SHAIDA). Her advice was seldom spoken, I learned as much as she did from her own experiences.

Bata was never harbored any bitterness despite her many frustration in her life. Sabi niya nga minsan, “huwag mong pagsisihan ang mga bagay na ginawa mo, kasi ginawa mu yun. Sa uulitin, bago mu gawin ang isang bagay, pag-isipan mo ng maige para hindi ka magsisisi sa huli”. (oh dib a nasermunan pa ako!). Ang salitang “REGRET” ay wala sa kanyang bokabularyo, pero ang pangungusap na “MAGANDA SI BATA” ay ultimo back page ng Webster’s dictionary niya nakasulat ang sentence nay un. Sabi nga di ba, love yourself before others..

She never bore a grudge against anyone for long she was quick to forgive and forget the past. (pero bakit pag ako?)

Every time I witnessed an amusing incident I couldn’t tell her soon enough about it. She laughed at my corniest jokes. We would stay awake till the wee hours of the morning chatting about anything and everything under the sun be it nonsense or secrets.

Several weeks after the incident (sounds like SOCO naman) I witnessed a humorous incident on my way to school. Tapos kung masaksihan ang nangyari, naisip ko how Bata like this to know. Pero bigla na lang nag-flash back na hindi pala kami nagpapansinan.

Marami na kaming napagdaanan. Dinaanan at dadaanan pa lng. (buntong hininga). She would check always if I am OK. If I was at our home. When we have to stay out late, she wouldn’t sleep until I was inside of our house. And when I felt all alone she would worry endlessly about what happened. Siyempre kakausapin nia ako at kukulitin hanggang sa maging Ok na ulit ako.

Alam kong hindi na maibabalik ang mga nakalipas na nagdaan. Sabi nga sa kanta ng isang singer na hindi ko kilala “kung maibabalik ko lang ang dating ikot ng mundo” pero naisip ko na hindi naman ako si GOD para magawa ko yun. I know nothing will ever bring her back to me again. Not the ilang balde at palangganang tears that I cry at naging parang La Niña ang bahay naming noon when I feel insecure and jealous every time na may kasama siyang iba, not my intense longing to be her FRIEND again. Naisip ko hindi naman ako masamang tao ah. Hindi rin naman ako wanted. Pero bakit sila lang?

I don’t know how I can get over the loss that time. (siyempre ngayon bati na kami ulit, kasi hindi na kami mga batang paslit and we were very close than before. Ahem..ahem…ahem). I am sorry that I didn’t have the guts to tell her how much I appreciated all the things she did for me. I should try to repay her in kind.

Nung nawala sha (pero hindi naman totally nawala dahil nasa iisang bahay lang kami) na-forced ako to be strong. Naisip ko, kung ayaw niya sa akin bakit ko ba ipagpipilitan ang sarili ko. (labas sa ilong lang yun).

It’s been 6 months, 8 days, 12 hours since she left away ang drama naming nun. Inamin ko sa sarili ko pero hindi sa iba na sobrang namimiss ko na sha. Pero anu bang magagawa ko kung di ang manahimik nalang at karirin ang pagba-blog..(naisip kong talunin si inday. Maldito atbp…malay mo kung ito pala ang gusto ni Papa God na mangyari sa akin..(Laughing out louds). Some people think that I have overcome my sadness for they may see me laughing and happy. Pero mali sila, dahil ito’y isang huwad lamang at walang pawing katotohanan.

Si BATA, gave me the true and nothing but the true meaning of life, and without her I can never be the same old me.

During my childhood years, I always hope that my wedding day is my memorable moment in my whole life. I always dream that I was walking down the aisle in a grand wedding. I always believe in fairy tales that someday my life will become happy ending…but all of the sudden it seems that it was just an ordinary hope of a child due to her imagination, that somehow cannot be happen…at all..

            That’s why I was having a second thought about writing this stuff, but finally I had the guts to do so… So currently, I was living in a world so called “earth”, a recently broken hearted person. (awts).

            I like this guy who is already my ex-classmates, my so-called best friend and my ex-boyfriend (haysz). And yet I am finding it hard to let him go. Years ago my outlook about commitment changed because of this guy…(itago natin sha sa pangalang…BOKNOY). Boknoy came into my life. Although it’s hard for me to accept the fact that he has somebody new…NOW.

            (Hingang malalim). Before a girl came into Boknoy’s life, everything was perfect. He was my buddy, my ally, my pal and (sabi ng iba my SOULMATE…gosh!!!). Everything but a boy friend (lalaking kaibigan), and although we have that kind of closeness, I was so scared to lose the friendship we’ve built after our painful break-up (poohnyetah!!). God knows how much he wanted to take the risk but I didn’t. Naisip ko kasi Masaya na siya sa bago niya. At kung doon man siya sasaya, maligaya na ako (sheet, ang martir!!!) naisip ko kasi he has a girlfriend na, and I should respect them both for the sake of our friendship. (grabe parang me ketchup na ang damit ko sa kaliwang side, haysz.) What hurts me more is that he is wanting somebody else that according to him, I know for so long. He was jerked to said “MALAY MO IKAW PALA UN” (edi ako kilig to the bones naman,..hehehe..kunyari lang hindi..haysz). I know that I could have love him more than he’ll ever know (wow, parang kanta lang!) but I was too scared to let him know for the reason that I might fall and feel the pain again. (ayoko naman i-chop-chop ang puso ko). But I never given up, I’m still here, loving him in silence but afraid to hurt again for the second time. (narealized ko na at least dun man lang nagiging panatag ako..walang complications..walang commitment).

            We both been into a relationship before, pero ngayon..ayoko munang subukan..pagod na ako eh..ayoko ng pagurin pa ang sarili ko ng husto, or siguro itong si pesteng BUKNOY pa rin ang gusto ko until now. It is him I long to be with, to spend my life with, and to grow old with. But it seems nothing but impossible as we go through our own life, but I never loses hope because I can still wait until the day comes that our path will crossed again and he was man enough to fight for our love kahit na sa dulo pa ng walang hanggan. (nyek..teleserye naman ngayon..haysz).

            It hurts everytime I think of him (ciempre sino bang makakalimot sa taong minahal mo ng husto?). Dati pa nga, I go to school with puffy eyes and sometimes used to be alone. He keeps on telling me how special I am to him, and I’m so stupid that I always believed in him (naku naman..nababaliw na yata ako). I dread the days when I moved a thousand miles away from him, to forget all the happy and sad moments that I have for him. But my heart still cry out  for him and I have nothing to do, just to accept the fact that I always deny when I’m with him. “ I STILL LOVE BOKNOY”

            Now, I no longer dream of walking down the aisle in a grand wedding. I no longer dream of fairy tales with happy endings that I wanted my life would be. Now what I dream for is a guy who will love me ad me and makes me feel special like what Boknoy did. Although it was not him, I still believe that there’s another Boknoy in this world.  What I ask for is a man who will fight for our love and I hope I could give the best that I can. Is that too much to ask? (hindi naman siguro dib a?)

            They say you don’t have to look for love, sometimes it will find its way to you. But I’m starting to lose hope an patience (haysz..darating pa kaya sha?)…SANA…

            “They say there would come a time when we have to stop loving someone not because that person has started hating us, but because we found out that they’d be happier if we let them go…(awts!)”

            May mga bagay na ang tao madaling magsawa, dahil ayaw na nila nito, ayaw na nila yun. Hindi ko alam kung ano itong nararamdaman ko para sa sarili ko, maraming beses ko nang tinanong ang sarili ko kung bakit kaiba ang iniisip ko kaysa sa nararamdaman ko, maraming beses ko na ring tinanong ang sarli ko kung bakit lagi nalang ako iniiwan, palagi na lang ako nasasaktan? Mga bagay na hanggang ngayon ay wala pa ring kasagutan. Siguro may mga bagay talaga na ang tao ay sadyang hindi nakuntento sa kung anong meron sila, palagi na lang silang naghahanap ng mga bagay na alam nilang mahirap abutin, wala silang pakialam kung may nasasaktan silang iba, ewan ko ba, minsan sa sobrang pag-iisip ko kung bakit nila ako iniiwan ay naiiyak na lang ako sa sobrang sama na loob. Naiisip ko kaya nga nila akong kalimutan, bakit ako hindi? Ano bang meron sila na wala sa akin, hindi naman ako naghangad ng malaki hindi rin ako naghangad ng sobra-sobra. Marahil maraming dahilan kung bakit hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin mahanap ang tunay na ako (akalain mo yun..nawawala pala ako???) Sino nga ba ako? Isang simpleng tao na walang pinangarap kung di ang makahanap ng taong makakatulong na tanggapin ang lahat ng kahinaan at kamalian ko, yung kayang umunawa sa lahat ng mga naiisip ko. Kayang makisabay sa lahat ng agaos ng mundong kinagagalawan ko. Naisip ko, mahirap bang unawain yun? Bakit sa tuwing maghahanap ako ng solusyon sa lahat ng problema ko lagi kong tinatanong kung saan at kung papaano ako magsisimula? Questions that always search for an answer, but it always end up hanging, ang hirap pala ng ganitong sitwasyon. It took me some time to figure it out how many times did I have to be hurt? At ilang libong tao ba ang dapat na manakit sa akin para makuntento ako? Lagi ko nalang sinasabi na AYOKO NA!!! TAMA NA!!! I don’t want to continue to struggle the pains and burden that I always have here inside me. Sometimes I don’t know what am I going to do, I almost feel weak, helpless and vulnerable. I almost feel that I’m all alone here on earth. I keep on asking why on earth I have to suffer and bear all this. Many people say TIME CAN HEAL THE WOUNDS OF THE BROKEN HEART. But how long does it take time to be able to reach what I really worth? Hanggang kailan ako maghihintay para maabot ang lahat ng kagustuhan ko sa buhay? Hanggang kailan ako magsasacrifice para maitaguyod ko ang lahat ng pangarap ko at maibigay ang lahat ng gusto ng mga mahal ko sa buhay? Araw-araw nag-iiba ang mga pangyayari, may dumadating at may lumalapit pero mas marami ang nang-iiwan. Minsan nakakasawa rin pala ang maghintay ng maghintay ng hindi mo alam kung may hihintayin ka pa. Nakakapagod din pala ang ganoon. Nakakapagaod din ang  maghanap ng taong magmamahal sayo ng  buong tapat at mamahalin ka dahil ikaw ay ikaw at hindi ng kung anong meron ka

            Sabi nga nila “you have to let go when you feel that you’re hurting too much…you have to give up when love is not enough, you have to move on when things ain’t like before…co’z for sure there’s someone out there who will love you even more…”