Filed under: senti-sentihan
I am willing to trust. I know that to the degree I am willing to give up my search for a healthy love relationship, I can have it. I know I can have whatever I am ready and willing to receive. Individual receptivity is everything. Without it, nothing changes. With it, all things are possible. I no longer insist upon my choice.
I know that the only thing I lose when I let go of something I am afraid to live without is the fear itself. I am stronger than anything that frightens me!
I let go of the past, and I am free to think clearly and positively in the present. I am not my past.
Letting go is the natural release which always follows the realization that holding on is an energy drain and it hurts. Letting go happens effortlessly when there is no other choice. Letting go does not mean giving up.
“A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth — with the fire dead, the laughter stilled, and the light extinguished.”
Letting go is a journey that never ends. NEVER. It only begins — over and over again — each time I can glimpse something higher than my own painful certainty over who I think I am. There is always something higher; a life beyond the limits of my present sight.
To see what is farther I must be willing to lift my eyes from their present point of focus. Release always follows revelation and real revelation is always a glimpse of something that was only just out of sight.
I know that stress in my love relationship exists because I insist! What I resist persists. I am tied to whatever I avoid.
“The heart loves, but moods have no loyalty. Moods should be heard but never danced to.”
It is a mistaken belief that I must push my love relationship in the direction I choose that keeps me in a strained and unhappy relationship with it. Reality has its own effortless course, and I can either embrace its way or struggle endlessly with mine.
I do not need power to flow.
I let go of that part of myself that is certain it is better to suffer and feel like someone than it is to just let go and quietly be no one. I give birth to a new me that never have to hold on to anything because it is already everything.
I dare to walk away from all of the familiar but useless mental and emotional relationships that give me a temporary but unsatisfactory sense of self. My true identity is calling me and to hear it I must be willing to endure, for as long as necessary, the fear of self-uncertainty.
This form of seeming self-abandonment eventually turns into my greatest pleasure as it becomes increasingly evident that the only thing certain about fear is that it will always compromise me. When it comes to who I really am, there is no compromise.
Let go of the past. The past is yesterday. It is irretrievable. When you relate to the past, you relate to no one or any thing. You are literally talking to yourself. No one else is listening. You have already heard all you have to say about that, so, let go.
“”You cannot really not let go what has already gone. It must be, therefore, that you are maintaining the illusion that it has not gone because you think it serves some purpose that you want fulfilled.”
It is certifiable insanity to conjure up your own reality based on the past and relate to it, rather than to relate to the present which is the only reality.
I am saying goodbye to the past and hello to the present.
I am enthusiastic about who I am becoming! I know that no one sincerely asks for a new life until they are thoroughly dissatisfied with the old one. I am and I let go. When I allow myself to let go of what is old, I stay true to what is new.
I believe that as with all insight, higher understanding itself contains not only the instructions I must follow, but the strength I will need to carry them out.
Starting life over again is the key to a new me. I see the beauty and significance of starting over – over and over and over. Every present moment is always new and new is always right now! The new dies to the ever-new in an endless celebration of Life.
This is it!
I live in the present. I never let the past dictate the direction of the present moment. I give my best to my endeavors.
What lies ahead for me can only be good.
True peace and harmony are a part of who I am.
I have come to the realization that what is possible for me to become only truly changes when I am willing to see what is impossible for me to continue being.
My true nature is already fully independent and flying freely. I have found my wings.
“…waLa lang.,..gusto ko lang mag-emote mode…gusto ko lang ipakita na kaya na kitang i-let go..OO..masakit yun..pero mas masasaktan ako kapag pinagpatuloy ko pang lokohin ang sarili ko…”
Hindi ko alam kung anong meron ka na wala ang iba.. Ang dami kong gustong sabihin sa’yo pero di ko alam kung paano ko uumpisahan ng hindi ako makakasakit ng isang taong sobrang naging espesyal sa buhay ko..Hindi ko alam kung bakit kay laki na ng pinagbago mo. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ka na masaya sa dating pagiging simple mo lang. Dati lahat ng bagay sayo’y napakasimple lang, pero bakit ngayon hindi na?? Masyado ka na bang naapektuhan ng mga pagbabago ng mundo kaya pati sarili mo nagbago na rin?
Hindi na ako masaya sa kung anong meron ka ngayon. Pero pinipilit kong intindihin ka kasi alam kong jan ka sasaya sa mga sinasabi mong pagbabago. “You always told me, people changed and when they’ve changed, it’s for the better”. Yeah, tama ka at hindi kita masisisi sa way of thinking mo. Ang sa akin lang is, masaya at tanggap ko kung ano ka nung una kitang nakilala, masaya na ako sa pagiging ganun mo. Hindi mo naman kailangan magbago para matanggap ka ng ibang tao.
Habang nagbabago ka, lalong nagbabago na rin ang tingin ko sa’yo. Minsan naiisip ko kung kilala pa ba kita? Minsan kasi hindi na. Ayokong magtanong kasi ayokong masaktan sa isasagot mo. Kasi baka hindi ko kayanin ang sakit na mararamdaman ko sa bawat katagang lalabas sa’yo. Sabi ko naman sa’yo masaya na ako sa kung ano man ang mararating mo sa buhay. Masaya na akong kapag naging masaya ka. Pero bakit iba ang iniisip ko sa nararamdaman ko? Iba ang sinasabi ng utak ko sa puso ko. Sadyang napakagulong intindihin ang mga nangyayari lately. Kaw lang ang masaya. At ako hindi. Masyado akong na-attached sa’yo na pati sarili ko hindi ko na rin kilala. Ni hindi ko matanong ang sarili ko kung nag-eenjoy ba ako or kung masaya ba ako sa ginagawa ko. Haysz..hindi ko alam, basta ang alam ko hindi ako masaya at nasasaktan ako.
Abot kamay lang kita pero tila hirap na hirap akong hawakan ka. Natatakot akong pumikit dahil baka sa pagmulat ko’y wala ka na naman. Masakit yun…, mahirap ang hindi ko malaman ang mga ginagawa mo pero pinipilit ko pa ding unawain ka. Lagi naman ganun eh, lagi kong sinasabi na naiintindihan kita pero ang totoo hindi. Hindi ko alam kung pinaglalaruan mo lang ako. Kung ginagamit mo lang ako. Kasi para bang lumalapit ka lang sa akin kapag may kailangan ka. Ayoko man isipin kasi pangit yun pero yun talaga ang nararamdaman ko.
Ginawa ko ang na lahat na sa tingin kong maganda para mapasaya ka. Ginawa ko na ang lahat para matanggap mo ako bilang ako. Pero bakit parang sa bawat ginagawa ko kaagapay ang isang milyong sakit sa damdamin ko. Sa tuwing may gagawin ako para sayo na para sa akin ay “the best” na, bakit parang sa’yo ay yun na ang pinakapangit na bagay na nakita mo sa mundo. Nasasaktan ako sa tuwing magkukuwento ka tungkol sa mga kaibigan mo samantalang ako ang kasama mo. Masakit pala ang ganun. Ikaw ang kasama pero nasa ibang tao naman ang katauhan mo. Pero hindi naman kita masisisi kung bakit. Marahil ay napakaboring ko ngang kasama kumpara sa mga tinatawag mong “circles of friends”. MASAKIT YUN… Pero ano naman ang magagawa ng isang katulad ko? Wala naman di ba? Ang tanging alam ko lang, sa tuwing ganun ang mangyayari, nanahimik lang ako…at nasasaktan. Sino ba naman ako sa buhay mo di ba?
Sa bawat araw na dumadaan ka sa harap ko na parang wala kang ibang nakita, nasasaktan ako. Tanga mang isipin na nag-eexpect ako na babatiin mo, kahit alam ko naman na hindi mo naman gagawin yon, ok lng. Masaya na akong nakita kitang nakauwi ng ligtas. Masaya na akong makita kita sa malayuan. Kahit nasasaktan ako. Lagi kang laman ng isip ko. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit eh. Siguro dahil nasanay akong lagi kang unang bumabati sa tuwing nagkikita tayo. Sa tuwing may tampuhan. Sa tuwing gusto mo lang akong kausapin tungkol sa nangyari sa’yo sa buong araw kasama ng mga kaibigan mo. dati ganun ka…nung hindi ka pa nagbabago.. Pero ngayon. hindi na kasi nga nagbago ka na…
Sabi mo sa akin, “ANG AKIN AY AKIN, ANG IYO BATA AY AKIN PA DIN!” Natatawa ako sa tuwing maaalala kong sinabi mo yun sa akin. Nung minsan ngang sinabi ko yun sa isa sa mga bestfriends ko, ang sabi niya napaka-selfish mo naman daw. Natawa naman ako sa naging reaction ko, kasi imbes na sang-ayunan ko ang mga sinabi niya, pinagtanggol pa kita. Haysz..ano nga ba talaga ang meron ka na wala ang iba? Ilang milyong beses ko nang tinanong sa sarili ko nyan. Bakit ba hindi kita mai-let go despite that you are the one who always hurt me… Masyado mo na akong nasasaktan. Pero para bang wala kang alam. Inisip ko kung sa simula’t sapul ba itinuring mo ba akong isang kaibigan? Minsan hindi ko alam kung pinaniniwalaan mo ang lahat ng mga sinasabi ko sa’yo. Kasi sa tuwing magkukuwento ako about sa naging experience ko para bang o talagang hindi ka interesado. Na para bang nanonood ka ng mga telenovela sa television. Naiiyak ako sa tuwing ganun ang nagiging reaksyon mo. Naiiyak ako dahil naaawa ako sa sarili kong pinagmumukha mo akong tanga. Minsan gusto kong sumbatan ka sa lahat ng naitulong ko sa’yo. Minsan gusto kong sabihin na masaktan at tamaan ka naman. Minsan gusto kong iparamdam ang lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman ko sa tuwing ikaw ang naiisip, nakikita at nakakasama ko. Pero hindi ko magawa at hindi ko pa din alam kung bakit.
Saksi ang unan, kumot, lapis at papel sa bawat araw na nagsusulat ako sa diary ko about sa’yo. Kung nakakapagsalita lang siguro ang mga ito, malamang walang humpay ang maririnig kong sermon about sa’yo. Malamang masuffocate na ako sa mga sasabihin nila. Hindi ko naman sila masisisi eh. Kasi kahit saang anggulo kung titingnan ako pa din ang may kasalanan kasi hinahayaan kong saktan mo ako. Hinahayaan kong madama ang mga masasakit na feelings na ikaw lang ang tanging alam kong nakakagawa.
Nasasaktan ako.. OO yun talaga ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Nasasaktan ako kasi naisasantabi ako ng taong halos ibigay ko na ang lahat. Nasasaktan ako kasi hindi ko kayang saktan ka. Umaasa akong one day sasabihin mo sa akin na “I’m sorry sa lahat ng ginawa ko. I’m sorry kasi nasaktan kita”. Pero parang napakatagal na panahon ang hihintayin ko bago mangyari yon. Haysz…ANO BA ANG MERON KA NA WALA ANG IBA.
Hindi ko man lang masabi sa’yo lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Ni hindi ko man lang nga masabing sobrang MISS NA KITA KAYA NAKASULAT AKO NG BLOG NA GANITO! Ni hindi nga kita matanong kung ayos ka lang ba jan o kung ok ka lang ba. Ayokong itext ka kasi sasabihin mo na naman na “ano na namanng kadramahan yan???”. Tama ka madrama nga ako, at sa pagiging kadramahan ko naipapakita ko kung sino talaga ako at hindi ko na kailangan ang magbago tulad mo.
Umaasa akong babalik ang lahat sa dati kahit alam kong malabo na yon. Nasaktan mo na ako ng maraming beses at ayoko na ulit bigyan ka ng isa pang pagkakataon na saktan muli ako. Kasi baka di ko na kayanin talaga. MAHAL KITA. WALANG DUDA. Pero kung dahil sa pagmamahal na yan binabago mo ang pagkatao ko, mas maganda sigurong isantabi ko nalang muna ang pagmamahal na yan. BATA pa ako. At alam ko MARAMI pa jan ang alam kong magmamahal sa akin HIGIT sa binigay mong pagmamahal sa akin bilang KAIBIGAN. Pinangako ko sa’yo na hinding-hindi kita iiwanan at kakalimutan at handa akong tumupad sa sumpa kong iyon. Gusto ko lang muna kilalanin ang sarili ko. Gusto ko lang muna lumabas sa hawlang pinagkulungan mo ng pagkatao ko. Gusto kong kilalanin ang mundo kung saan Malaya akong makakakilos sa lahat ng bagay na gusto kong gawin at magiging masaya ako. “you will always be my “toooot…..” forever…nothing in this big damn world can ever change that. Gusto ko lang huminga. Gusto ko lang mag-explore. Gusto ko lang hilumin ung mga bearings, sufferings and pains you’ve caused me para sa PAGBABALIK KO.. Ready na ulit akong masaktan. Ready na akong mag-move on…at ready na akong tanggapin ang BAGONG IKAW.
“Salamat kasi pinamulat mo sa akin na masyado na akong napag-iiwanan ng panahon at mundong dapat sana ay kinabibilangan ko ngayon. Salamat kasi hinayaan mo akong hanapin ang sarili kong matagal na palang nakatago sa hawlang pinagkulungan ko nito. Salamat…Maraming salamat sa lahat ng sakit na binigay mo para marealized ko ang kakulangan ng pagkatao ko. Sana lang sa pagbabalik ko HINDI KA NA NAGBAGO para HINDI naman masayang LAHAT ng pinaghirapan ko para TANGGAPIN ang BAGONG IKAW.”
…nakakatuwa naman tong day na to..bkit kamo??hehehe…eh kasi naman, eto yung araw na dadagdag na naman ng isang taon sa buhay ko..haysz…i’m not getting any younger na…hahaha…ngayong araw na rin nato nang umpisahan kong gawin ang tag ni mommy cam’s…aktuwali, nakakahiya nga dahil nagtanong pa ako sa kanya kung pano gawin yun…hindi ko naman kasi alam kung pano gawin yun eh…hehehe..kaya heto sinubukan kong gawin..naisip ko wala naman masama kung itatry ko di ba?ang masama is yung alam mong kaya mo naman gawin pero hindi mo naman naitry…haysz…
so heto naman ung kinalabasan ng yon:
|
You Are Independent Sexy |
 You drive men crazy with your “playing hard to get act” Except, it’s really not an act at all. You’re a strong, sexy woman with her own life and interests. And that makes men even more interested in you! |
..hindi ko lam kung ako nga ba ito, hehehe..too young para isipin ang mga ganitong bagay..pero alam ko..hindi ako sexy…hahaha..mataba kasi ako..hahahaha…apir!!! pero despite of being fat..masaya ako..atlist kahit me shortage na sa rice, di pa rin ako mukhang nagugutom..hahahaha…apir!!
..so eto nmn ang nais kong maitag…
majalzs – para ma-experience mo rin kung pano mag-tag…hehehe..apir!!!
Filed under: senti-sentihan
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 4:6-7)
My dearest friend,
I know these past few days have been particularly difficult for you. I can see it in your eyes, in your face, in the way you carry your body. Those things seem familiar to me, because it doesn’t seem like so long ago that I buried my pains, and suffered the multitude of losses that go with it.
I wanted to let you know how much I care about what you are going through. I know you won’t mind my sharing this letter with my readers, as you, of all people, know how many others are in need of love and healing. And that’s what we do, you and I, each in our own way.
It does seem that at a time like this, when emptiness tears at your heart, there shouldn’t be any other pain in your life. But how foolish would we be to expect that to be so.
It is an unfortunate fact of human nature, that very often, even in the midst of suffering, it is those we love the most who hurt us the most, not only by what they do, but by what they don’t do.
Truly, it is sometimes just the smallest gesture of thoughtfulness that lets us know we are loved. But, when that gesture is missing, it is often the thing that pierces our heart most deeply.
I have spent the last year learning a lot about love, understanding fully that to truly love someone we must make ourselves vulnerable, and that is just not possible for everyone.
And so they build walls of fear or pride or selfishness – and in the process hurt themselves as much as anyone else. They strive to protect themselves, and in keeping loved ones at a distance, deprive themselves, as well, of the ultimate gift of God – real love.
When people love deeply, and put their loved ones’ feelings and needs ahead of their own, as you do without hesitation, it is often difficult to understand why others can’t love in the same way. But they don’t always, and knowing that won’t lessen the pain.
Still, we have been blessed, your family and mine, because we have loved each other well, and while we may, at some point, lose the mementos, the powerful reminders of what was, the love that we share is a powerful promise of what is and what will be.
The wisdom learned by one who has traveled through grief often falls on the deaf ears of one who is grieving, but I will offer it anyway.
Allow yourself to feel – the pain, the anger, the sorrow, the loneliness – but do not let them consume you. Above all, share your grief with those who care about you.
When I think of you, I realize that the one gift we could always share is the gift of laughter. Smile when you think of me and remember – I love you.
- bata
“I refuse to wait for you any longer. There was a time in my life when I would have saved myself for you alone. In my heart no one else would do. I belonged to no one else but you. That isn’t me anymore. My heart finally caught up with my brain and I finally see that all of it was just nothing but fantasies, dreams that only I wanted. There is no hope for us, as each day; it becomes clearer to me that it was never meant to be.”
“I refuse to live in the past…I will forever treasure our shared lives but it will not control me any longer, I wont let it ruin who I was and who I am now…”
“I refuse to fight. For several months now, I’ve been fighting for our friendship and for us. However, no matter I do, I seem to be losing. Whenever I feel as if I’m going to buckle down because of the pressure, the thought that somehow may be you are fighting for us to, keep me going. But months have passed, I haven’t heard from you. Somehow I finally realized that I was the only one fighting for us. I was doing everything I could possibly can for someone who was and never will be mine…”
“I refuse to believe you didn’t love me anymore. Somehow, someway, I know that I have a place in your heart. You may not be able to love me the way I wanted you to love me but I know that even for just a second, you did love me…”
“I refuse to loose hope. It may not be you. It may take me forever to find him, but I will. Tears have been streaming down my cheeks for too long but not anymore. I have learned so many things because of this. Things that I felt should have been taught to me some other less painful way but somehow I don’t regret it. It made me stronger. It made me look inside myself and really see who I really am and not who I thought I was. Hope kept me going, the hope for better things to come, the same hope that one day I will finally be over you”…
